What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:58
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were not on the streets..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She married twice! .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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My life is so biszare .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
How does red light therapy affect eyes?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I think the readers, may guess!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was in good health!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She wouldn,t have been !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im still living with it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
Who then, do I blame.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
This is soul school!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Comes on , in middle age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.